The Hulk Fish
by actressen
Summary: "Now, deep down, he knew Tony was a good guy. He trusted Tony with his life. But he just couldn't quite find it in himself to trust him to pick out an appropriate, non-dangerous birthday gift." Tony gives Bruce a birthday gift that leaves everyone speechless. And concerned for Tony's mental health. *GEN, crack of the crackiest variety.*
1. The Hulk Fish

**AN: **Crack of the crackiest variety. I don't even know...

**The Hulk Fish**

It was Bruce Banner's birthday.

Normally – _preferably – _he would treat the day just like any other. No presents, no cake, no fuss. And he was okay with that. He really was.

But now, living in the newly renovated Stark Towers with his five teammates (and Pepper) as well as frequent visits from various SHIELD staff members, "low key" wasn't exactly an option.

Pepper's original plans had included renting a ballroom and a guest list somewhere in the hundreds. Somehow he managed to convince her to shorten the guest list to ten, and settle for holding it in the so-called "Avengers Lounge" on the 45th floor instead.

Looking at the day so far, Bruce realized that it really could have gone much worse. But then again, the day wasn't over yet, and he didn't want whatever powers that be to decide to prove him wrong.

Their dinner, catered by a local Italian restaurant, had been, overall, a success. There was the unfortunate case of one of the waiters looking Fury in the eye patch a _little _too long, as well as Thor throwing his plate to the floor after finishing his slice of chocolate gateau and demanding another. Luckily, Pepper had been smart enough to give him a shatterproof plate, so there was no harm done. At least, not to the plate. The look his girlfriend Jane was giving him, however, left Bruce certain that a couch was in Thor's not-too-distant future.

Having finished eating, there was only one thing left to do: open presents. As a general rule, Bruce enjoyed presents. After all, who didn't?

But then he met Tony Stark.

Now, deep down, he knew Tony was a good guy. He trusted Tony with his life. But he just couldn't quite find it in himself to trust him to pick out an appropriate, non-dangerous birthday gift.

It didn't help that Tony had been giving him not-so-subtle hints that his present was (in his own words), "the most brilliant and all-around greatest present that he would ever receive". If he was nervous before hearing that, afterwards he was downright worried.

"And now… presents!"

Speak of the devil.

Tony hopped up from the table, returning with the collection of wrapped boxes and bags which had been placed on a nearby table, and dropping them in front of Bruce.

"Open mine last."

Bruce couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that. Weren't they too old for stuff like this?

"Alright, Stark. Which one's yours, then?"

"The one that is currently not here."

Bruce looked at him with disbelief.

"Don't want to ruin the surprise."

Somehow, Bruce did not found no comfort in this.

Pushing the almost certainly dangerous absentee present out of his mind, Bruce focused on enjoying his other (non-threatening) gifts.

Steve gave him a framed portrait of the Avengers that he had painted himself. Bruce was happy to see _himself_ in the group, as opposed to, you know, the Other Guy.

Natasha got him a book on yoga with an accompanying DVD. Seeing a flicker of confusion that passed over his features, Natasha clarified: "It helps me relax."

Clint gave him a sci-fi novel by his favorite author. (Bruce later realized that he must have overheard when he mentioned that he hadn't read this one yet).

Thor and Jane got him a nice tie. (Jane must have picked it out. Bruce doubted Thor even knew how to _tie _a tie, not to mention how to pick out one that wasn't painfully hideous.)

Coulson got him a pen. That was also a taser.

From Fury he got a leather portfolio with several blank reports already inside with a note that read "Finish before Tuesday".

Maria Hill got him a body razor and a certificate to a local spa. For a chest wax.

From Pepper he got a selection of caffeine-free herbal teas.

Which only left Tony.

Wait.

Where was Tony?

"What on _Earth…_?"

Bruce turned to see what had left Pepper quite so astounded, and immediately wished he hadn't.

With a freaky, Loki-esque grin, Tony Stark was wheeling in a large cart, on which sat a suspiciously large object obscured from view by a red velvet covering. After seeing that he had successfully gained everyone's attention, he removed the covering with a flourish.

Revealing a comically small goldfish in a comically large tank. They all looked at Tony, mostly too concerned for his mental health to be amused.

"Tony, is that a–"

"Goldfish? Yes. No. Actually, I'm not quite entirely sure in this case. It's 99.8 percent goldfish."

Bruce looked at the fish in question suspiciously.

"I call it a Hulk Fish."

"What?"

"Pepper, hand me a spoon."

"Tony, I don't think—"

"I know I don't like being handed things, but in this case I'll make an exception."

"Tony, that has absolutely _nothing_ to do with what I was going to say…"

"Sorry? What was that? I can't hear you, I'm too busy _waiting for a spoon_."

Everyone was too concerned with Tony's state of mind to bother taking a crack at his unintended double entendre.

Realizing her argument was being ignored, Pepper humored him and handed him the unused teaspoon from her place setting.

Sticking the spoon in the tank, Tony used it to poke the fish repeatedly.

Bruce noticed that, in addition to looking severely irritated (could fish even get angry?), it was beginning to turn green. Suddenly, it grew from the size of a walnut to that of a watermelon, and displayed disturbing muscle mass for a fish — like a color-changing pufferfish on steroids. It also had teeth, which were currently trying to find their way into Tony's arm. However, Tony quickly pulled aforementioned appendage from the tank before any success could be had in that venture.

Bruce took off his glasses and rubbed his temples, feeling the familiar beginnings of a headache, a natural side-effect of prolonged Tony Stark exposure.

"Remember that day when we were messing around with your cells in the lab?"

The way Bruce remembered it, _Tony _was the one playing around with his cells while he was trying to get actual work done. But he decided to let it pass.

"Yes, Tony, but what—" Suddenly, it all clicked together for Bruce, "Tony, you didn't…"

"Oh yes, yes I did. 99.8% goldfish, 0.2% Bruce Banner. Gene splicing has come a long way, my friend."

Steve, thoroughly lost whenever the two started talking science, considered asking about this "jean spicing", but then thought better of it. There were some things he just didn't need to know. And from the looks on everyone else's faces, he guessed he wouldn't want to, either.

"I was thinking he could be our new mascot."

Tony Stark truly had a talent for rendering people speechless.

* * *

**AN(again): **This is what happens when you feed your sister's fish and then start writing Avengers fic at 2 AM. I have a vague idea for a possible second chapter, if there is any interest, so please leave a review and let me know your thoughts. Unlike the Hulk Fish, the review box doesn't bite (at least, in my experience). And if it does, feel free to complain about it to me in your review. ;)


	2. Sequel Alert & Teaser! Input required!

**AN: Long time no see! I finally came up with a sequel for "The Hulk Fish," but I wanted to get your input first. Below is an excerpt from what I've written thus far. Let me know what you think. Please let me know if there are any specific "creatures" you would like to see Tony make (a Basilisk? Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors?), or any other Avengers-related prompts you'd like me to tackle. Humor or gen is fine, but ye be warned: I could not write romance to save my life.**

**Now, without further ado, the excerpt!...**

* * *

Nick Fury studied the phone in front of him.

He hesitantly punched in the "1"—the furthest he could go without making some sort of commitment—before pausing.

Was he really up to this? Or, more accurately, did he have a choice?

No, he realized upon further contemplation. He really didn't. PETA was just about the only thing that scared the shit out of him, but it was the only solution he could think of for his current predicament: Tony's mutant zoo had gotten out of control, and he didn't have a spare eye to loose this time round. He also no longer had any spare interns. Fewer interns meant fewer coffee runs, and that was just plain unacceptable.

To put it simply, the "Hulk fish" had set off something in Stark's already fucked-up brain, and Laboratory # 15 was now affectionately known as the "Murderous Menagerie."

Luckily, it had not yet managed to live up to its name. It had sent half a dozen interns to the hospital—and he was pretty sure at least one of them was planning on pressing charges—and insurance costs were through the roof already. Apparently people could be categorized as "pre-existing conditions," and Tony Stark was a damned expensive one.

First, of course, was the infamous "Hulk fish." In the end, he was named Rasputin, after the conniving Russian holy man who just wouldn't die (and because Tony's first choice of Bruce II was shot down faster than a pheasant in hunting season). Being the one that started it all, Rasputin—or Jaws Jr., as the poor interns stuck with the responsibility of feeding him called him—got a place of honor in a floor-to-ceiling tank that sat in the direct middle of the lab. A shatter-proof, heat-proof, bullet-proof, any-other-thing-you-can-imagine-proof tank, but a pretty tank nonetheless...

* * *

**AN: Once again, please let me know what you think. I want to know what _you _want to see in these one-shots, because they really are written for _your _enjoyment. Can't wait to hear from you!**


	3. Seymour the Wonder Plant

**AN: **Here it is, the full second chapter. It's a bit shorter than I would like, but it came to a natural end, and I didn't see a point in forcing it to go any further. Also, **please see AN at the bottom**. I'm still taking ideas for further chapters.

* * *

Nick Fury studied the phone in front of him.

He hesitantly punched in the "1"—the furthest he could go without making some sort of commitment—before pausing.

Was he really up to this? Or, more accurately, did he have a choice?

No, he realized upon further contemplation. He really didn't. PETA was just about the only thing that scared the shit out of him, but it was the only solution he could think of for his current predicament: Tony's mutant zoo had gotten out of control, and he didn't have a spare eye to loose this time round. He also no longer had any spare interns. Fewer interns meant fewer coffee runs, and that was just plain unacceptable.

To put it simply, the "Hulk fish" had set off something in Stark's already fucked-up brain, and Laboratory # 15 was now affectionately known as the "Murderous Menagerie."

Luckily, it had not yet managed to live up to its name. It had sent half a dozen interns to the hospital—and he was pretty sure at least one of them was planning on pressing charges—and insurance costs were through the roof already. Apparently people could be categorized as "pre-existing conditions," and Tony Stark was a damned expensive one.

First, of course, was the infamous "Hulk fish." In the end, he was named Rasputin, after the conniving Russian holy man who just wouldn't die (and because Tony's first choice of Bruce II was shot down faster than a pheasant in hunting season). Being the one that started it all, Rasputin—or Jaws Jr., as the poor interns stuck with the responsibility of feeding him called him—got a place of honor in a floor-to-ceiling tank that sat in the direct middle of the lab. A shatter-proof, heat-proof, bullet-proof, any-other-thing-you-can-imagine-proof tank, but a pretty tank nonetheless.

Next came Seymour, the Venus flytrap on steroids.

Darcy Lewis, assistant to Dr. Selvig's assistant Jane Foster, who was assigned with the considerable task of bringing Steve Rodgers into the 21st century (because it wasn't like there was really much for an assistant-to-an-assistant researcher who had minimal understanding of research to do anyway), had shown Steve _Little Shop of Horrors _in an attempt to explain the 80s to him. While Steve ended up more confused than anything ("There were plants that ate people back then?"), Tony—who happened to be in the room, pretending-but-not-really-trying to finish some paperwork that Pepper had asked him to finish months ago—found the move "inspirational."

Next thing anyone knew, Tony Stark had ordered 500 Venus flytrap seedlings from a nursery of questionable repute.

And with that, of course, came the veritable swarm of flies required to feed them. In retrospect, a fly-eating plant didn't seem that bad. Even five hundred fly-eating plants were preferable to one plant that ate everything else. Luckily, Stark's creation didn't have the blood fetish of the original—it was nowhere near that picky. It ate everything, regardless of size, or edibility.

Darcy swore that it had eaten her favorite taser.

Fury wouldn't be surprised if it had.

Not only was Seymour the Wonder Plant hungry, he was _handsy_ (leave it to Tony Stark to create a plant with wandering tentacles). In addition to several bodily-harm related grievances SHIELD's legal department would most likely receive in the near future related to Stark's latest creations, one young female (former) lab assistant was filing sexual harassment charges against Seymour.

At least Stark hadn't figured out a way to make it talk.

Which brought Fury back to the task at hand: Calling. PETA. For the sake of his sanity. And SHIELD. And his remaining eye.

He was Nick mother-fucking Fury, and he wasn't afraid of anyone—especially not a group of whale-hugging vegans.

(Even if they were batshit-crazy whale-hugging vegans.)

With that settled, Fury dialed "7," then "5," then "7" again.

"What'cha up to, Pirate Pete?"

Damn it all.

* * *

And that was how Nick Fury almost saved himself from the headache that was Tony Stark's trademarked Flying Pigs.

The keyword, of course, being _almost_.

* * *

**AN 2: **Thanks to **Post U Later **for the flying pigs idea. It will be explored in further detail during the next chapter. Also, **I am still taking requests**. Anything you would like to see it future chapters of this story, or in stories in general? **Let me know in your review**, and I'll do what I can to incorporate your ideas. For further information about my fandoms and 'ships, **check out my profile page**. Thanks for reading!


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